June 21, 2012 § Leave a comment
Sometimes I’ll be sitting at a cafe, lying on my living room couch, standing resolutely still on the top of my hill, like a statue, or a god. I’ll appear perfectly quiet. Undisturbed. Like a small stream behind some brush. And it’s not like I’m at peace or serene, I’m just…there. If a scientist was jotting down observations in a little yellow pad, he’d say, “Subject not moving. At rest.” Sometimes I’ll blink, but other than that, I’m like an age-old boulder jutting out into sea, letting the waves crash hard against my solid form, breaking again and again and again.
They’re funny, these moments.
Because really I can feel myself moving. My toes are tingling, and when I blink I see myself throwing the cafe table up into the air and running fast, fast, fast down the hill until I come crashing down and break every bone in my body, even the tiny, forgettable ones in places like my pinky and ear. I lie on the couch and my body screams at me to move move move. My heart starts racing and a twitch develops in my legs and my eyes swivel round the room. Round and round. Move move move. Out out out. Go go go.
And I just lie there and I think, this is a miner trapped beneath a mile of earth. This is a blind man stumbling in a cave. This a bird banging into the wires of its cage, banging again and again, bursting to be free.
And it actually brings tears to my eyes, wondering how that boulder out at sea manages it. To feel the blinding, rushing fury of the ocean all around you, and to sit there quietly, with the appearance of someone who couldn’t care less.
June 20, 2012 § 1 Comment
I’ve been a little down lately, and I’ve decided the best way to tackle my yucky, lingering feelings is to (no, NOT eat everything in the kitchen again and watch marathons on Bio), but remind myself of some of this world’s most beautiful things. Things that touch my life, things that will hopefully one day touch it. My usual plan of action is to avoid, avoid, avoid, face the painful things, analyze it to no avail, experience renewed pain, and then avoid avoid avoid. I’m hopeful this will be a more effective approach. So, without further ado:
Things I find beautiful, in no particular order:
-going apple-picking in the fall and reminding the youngest among the group to twist, twist, and then gently pull
-tea. All tea. Tea with honey and lemon.
-old libraries with floors that creak and books that fall between shelves
-playing with my younger sister like we’re six years old
-the honest-to-God goodness of my little sister, the genuine sincerity
-the honest-to-God goodness of my friends, the genuine sincerity
-city streets with music and lights and laughter and loud conversations I’ll only ever hear a part of
-girly dresses that give one that oh-so-amazing Disney princess feeling
-that spontaneous decision to bake brownies and/or cupcakes
-watching the ocean breathe, feeling myself breathe
-the quiet dignity of nature
-closing my eyes and trying to feel six billion people in the world
-imagining meeting those six billion people and asking them what they love and what they fear
-interactions with strangers while waiting at the crosswalk, the train, the cash register
-talking with people who know something I don’t know
-listening to people with stories to tell
-realizing I’m different than I was before
-realizing I’ll probably be different in the future
-seeing a person smile from a long ways away
-the possibility of travel, even when my bank account says, Definitely Not.
-pretending to be a mermaid while I swim
-lip syncing in the bathroom mirror
-belting out an entire medley of songs to an empty house and open windows
-hugging and hearings heartbeats
-ridiculous dance parties to ridiculous songs
-waiting for the walk signal and waving to cars
-kisses that are tiny and sweet and make me giggle
-kisses that make me want to take my clothes off
-reading books about trying to understand
-trying to understand aforementioned books
-meeting amazing people who do amazing things because they want to help people they find amazing
-seeing children play pretend. Remembering when you played pretend.
-wondering what love feels like
Here are just a few reasons I find life to still be beautiful, despite its character flaws. What do you personally find beautiful in this topsy-turvy world of ours?